the realest wedding

zel bought me the most beautiful flowers i've ever seen, calilillies for the boys and babys breath for my hair. we arrived at the los angeles county registrar's office in norwalk about 11:00, stood in more lines, had lots of pictures taken, kissed and hugged each other, laughed, and finally went into a little chapel with the judge. he asked us if we were doing rings and we said no, and he said thats perfectly fine and asked us to step under the flower alter and switch places. i gave zel my flowers to hold and i was already crying. the judge made a little joke about it- "wait a minute, i haven't started yet!" and i laughed too hard. he started saying that marriage is a contract not to be entered into lightly, and other things i can't remember, and then he asked us to hold hands and look at each other. we hadn't been told what was going to be said, what we were going to be asked to say to each other, so when he asked chris to repeat after him- "i, christopher robert james, take you jessica victoria baxter, to be my best friend..."- and when i saw chris's face and knew he was going to cry, knew he was going to cry in a way i had never seen him cry before because different parts of his face were moving in different directions and he was looking me in the eye- "my partner in life, my companion forever"- we were both crying and tears were coming off my face on down my chest. and then i told chris that i would take him to be my best friend, my partner in life, my companion forever, and the judge said "well then, by the power invested in me by the state of california, i now pronounce you husband and wife" and chris said "i love you" and we hugged and then chris told everyone they could clap now and i looked over at zel who was crying and clapping and octavio and sarah were deliriously hooting and hollering and we cried for a little bit more, and the judge said i can tell this is a couple that will have a long and happy life together, and as we were back in octavio's car, after waiting in a few more lines and taking a few more pictures (us wrapped together in the california flag on a stand in the corner of the chapel, etc.) octavio said "i know this was for the paperwork and it wasn't your real wedding but it was the realest wedding i've ever been to," and i knew that he was right- we do want to have another wedding, a huge party, so that all the beautiful, important people in our lives, who have raised us and loved us and knew us long, long before we ever knew each other can be there, can have their own moment to process it and so we can honor them with toasts and dances. we will have that wedding and that party eventually, but after we said those vows to each other both of us knew that this was the real wedding, this was two people promising to love each other no matter what, and for the rest of my life i will think back on that moment and on chris's face and i will know that this is when we became husband and wife.

and it only cost the state fees- $70 for the license, $25 for the ceremony, $26 for two copies of the certificate- and we went to an applebee's in norwalk afterwards and drank ridiculous fruity cocktails, and the most beautiful photograph of any two people that i have ever seen was taken by one of my best friends in the world, with my digital camera, and the dress i wore was from high school and i got to wear my converse. and now i am sitting on the floor of a motel in elko, nevada, about to drive to salt lake city, and chris is getting dressed and i look over at him and its this feeling like seeing the grand canyon for the first time, it defies words and it would be silly to reduce it to that, it touches each and every part of me in hundreds of thousands of different and glorious ways that will never have words attached to them. every day now, for the rest of my life, i can look at him and just feel. i don't think i knew that was even possible until now. and actually, i don't think it was.